The Longing Child

If you work in Family Court, you know this child. The child who rarely talks about the person raising them, but cannot stop talking about the parent who isn’t there.

A six-year-old boy is living with his aunt. His mother’s life has become chaotic with drugs, unstable relationships, and crisis after crisis.

The aunt’s home is safe. Dinner happens every night. There are bedtime stories, cuddles, and organised mornings. She bathes him, plays with him, and gets him to school on time.

But when you listen to the boy talk, something becomes clear.

He barely talks about her.

Instead, everything comes back to his mother.

“She is the best mum.” “I want to live with my mum.”

He waits for her calls. When visits do not happen, he explains it for her.

If you work in Family Court, you also know the parent who will often say, “We have a very strong attachment.”

In a way, that can be true.

When caregiving is inconsistent, attachment behaviours may intensify rather than diminish. Children may become increasingly preoccupied with the caregiver whose availability is uncertain.

THIS CAN INCLUDE

• idealisation of the parent

• persistent anticipation of contact

• defence of the parent’s behaviour

• heightened emotional responses around visits or communication

From the child’s perspective, acknowledging the caregiver as unreliable can create a distressing psychological conflict. Maintaining hope that the parent will change or return may allow the child to preserve a sense of relational continuity and belonging.

THE ASSESSMENT DISTINCTION

It is important not to draw the wrong conclusions from what we see.

A child rarely talking about the caregiver who meets their daily needs does not mean attachment is absent. Secure care often sits quietly in the background of a child’s life.

At the same time, a child’s intense focus on an unstable parent does not mean the attachment is healthy. Preoccupation and longing often reflect uncertainty, not security.

For professionals working in family law, this distinction matters.

A child may love a parent deeply and still need the safety and stability of someone else’s care.

Sometimes what looks like strong attachment is actually a child trying to keep a parent in their world through longing.